Question Marks

  1. If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?

  2. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

  3. Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

  4. If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?

  5. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

  6. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

  7. The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming?

  8. Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?

  9. Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?

  10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  11. Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

  12. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

  13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

  14. Why is the word abbreviation so long?

  15. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, is it misspelled?

  16. And if it is misspelled, how would we know?

  17. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

  18. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

  19. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

  20. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

  21. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

  22. If you are dialing from a touch-tone phone, Why do you call it 'dialing'? -Ziggy

  23. Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

  24. If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

  25. "Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

  26. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

  27. If electricity comes from electrons, where does morality come from, morons?

  28. Can you get cornered in a round room?

  29. Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

  30. Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

  31. Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

  32. If "poli" means many, and "tics" mean bloodsucking creatures, then what does "politics" mean?

  33. Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?

  34. If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?

  35. Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?

  36. Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?

  37. Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?

  38. If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

  39. You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?

  40. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

  41. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

  42. How is it possible to have a civil war?

  43. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

  44.  Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

  45. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

  46. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

  47. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

  48. Why on Earth, with over 3/4 of our planet covered by water, don't we call it 'ocean'?--Ziggy

  49. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

  50. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

  51. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

  52. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be wise to: "Quit while you're ahead"?

  53. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

  54. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

  55. Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  56. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?

  57. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

  58. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

  59. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

  60. What's another word for Thesaurus?--Steven Wright

  61. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

  62. Why is it that when transporting stuff on a car its called a SHIPment, but if transporting stuff on a ship its called CARgo?

  63. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

  64. If two wrongs don't make a right, then how come two negatives make a positive?

  65. How does the guy who runs the snowplow get to work in the morning?

  66. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

  67. Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

  68. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

  69. If you set to work with a knife that will cut through anything and Tupperware that's guaranteed not to break, what happens?

  70. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

  71. How did a fool and his money get together?

  72. How do they get deer to cross at the yellow sign?

  73. Who really took the bite out of the Apple logo?

  74. When an elevator is overloaded with passengers who is criminally responsible?

  75. If a man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

  76. What do little birdies see if they get knocked unconscious?

  77. If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what would happen if you turned on your headlights?

  78. Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

  79. Could it be that all those people dressed up, wearing sheets, aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

  80. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

  81. If someone with multiple personalities robs a bank who is charged with the crime?

  82. If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

  83. Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?

  84. Why do scientists call it research when they are looking for something new?

  85. If a vampire can't see himself in a mirror, why is his hair always so neat?

  86. Why do they say new and improved? It can't be new if it was improved can it?

  87. Why do they call it rush hour when nobody moves?

  88. Why is it when a door is open it's ajar but when a jar is open isn't not adoor?

  89. Why is it we call people liars, but we never call anyone truthers?

  90. Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

  91. Why is it, when we talk to God, we're praying, but when he talks to us we're schizophrenic?

  92. Does a helium filled balloon float if you put it in outer space?

  93. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

  94. Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

  95. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

  96. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

  97. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him?

  98. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

  99. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

  100. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

  101. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

  102. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

  103. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

  104. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't alright, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you idiot!'?

  105. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

  106. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

  107. If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? --Vince Lombardi

  108. Why are they called apartments when they're all together?*

  109. Why is there braille on the ATM drive-thru?*

Laugh Lines

  1. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

  2. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

  3. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

  4. Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

  5. Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.

  6. Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you--Chinese Proverb

  7. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

  8. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

  9. It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.

  10. Strangers have the best candy.

  11. Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

  12. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes. -Jack Handy

  13. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

  14. My husband and I divorced over religious reasons. He thought he was God and I didn't!

  15. Earth is the insane Asylum for the universe.

  16. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

  17. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  18. I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met!

  19. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back!

  20. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

  21. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

  22. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.

  23. When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.

  24. Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.

  25. Never drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach.

  26. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel...just hope it's NOT a train!

  27. I'm not littering... I'm donating to the earth.

  28. If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

  29. If you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

  30. Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.

  31. DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.

  32. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me.

  33. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

  34. A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.

  35. Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!

  36. Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

  37. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

  38. If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.

  39. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

  40. If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!

  41. Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.

  42. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'!

  43. The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.

  44. Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

  45. Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.

  46. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.

  47. money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.

  48. Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has obviously never tried it.

  49. ALWAYS LATE but worth the wait.

  50. I'd have a photographic memory but it was never developed.

  51. I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.

  52. If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.

  53. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

  54. If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?

  55. The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.

  56. He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.

  57. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers--Joseph Blosephina

  58. I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.

  59. It's funny- the ppl. who want quiet are always the loudest getting everyone else to be quiet.

  60. Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

  61. Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop.

  62. The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.

  63. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

  64. If it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight.

  65. Anyone who wants the presidency enough that he will spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.

  66. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  67. A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. --Burt Bacharach

  68. Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations. --Orson Welles

  69. A world without love means less people will care if you mess up. --Kassandra L.A. Goodson (User submitted-Thank you!)

  70. An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. --Leonn Marshall (User submitted-Thank you!)

  71. My wife and I always get into arguments, and I always get the last word. "Yes, dear". (User submitted-Thank you!)

  72. God must like stupid people; he makes so many of them.

  73. Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor. --Laurence J. Peter

  74. I was looking through a bag of Stella D'oro cookies and the only letter I was able to find was an 'S'! -AML

  75. I thought a thought that I thought I had thought but the thought that I had thought wasn't the thought that I had thought I had thought so maybe if I had thought the thought that I thought I thought I wouldn't of thought so much.

  76. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner.

  77. "I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers." --Woody Allen

  78. "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you...you're just not laughing." (User submitted-Thank you!)

  79. Some people are like slinkies...they're really good for nothing...but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

  80. When life gives you an apple don't eat it-I think the witch over there poisoned it.

  81. If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work. --George Carlin

  82. If life hands you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

  83. When life gives you more lemons, throw them back, because really, who likes lemons? Then when it gives you even more, squirt them in their eyes and then see how much life likes lemons then.

  84. If intelligence is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I've shared elevators with a lot of smart people.

  85. I'm the kind of person who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

  86. Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "where did it all go wrong?" Then I think, "this is going to take more than one night."

  87. One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

  88. Its all fun and games until someone loses their sanity.

  89. I'm not insane, I just do what the voices tell me.

  90. I don't obsess... I think intensely.

  91. I hear voices and they don't like you.

  92. When I grow up, I want to be an acupuncture therapist. That way I'll have a degree in poking people. --David

  93. I stopped at a restaurant and ordered some fries. The girl behind the counter said, “would you like fries with that?”

  94. The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

  95. Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?-- Mark Twain

  96. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.-- Flip Wilson

  97. In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well.-- Len Deighton

  98. I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.-- Victor Borge

  99. Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots.-- Jay Trachman

  100. "An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'"

  101. "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx*

  102. "If life is a gift, I'd like to know where to return Mondays."*

  103. "Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood!"*

  104. "It kind of amazes me that putting a black line on my eyelid can make me feel better about myself."*

  105. "Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands, and then eat just one of those pieces."*

  106. "Happy middle child's day! Oh, you didn't notice that it was middle child's day? Don't worry, no one ever does."*

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